My mom sent me a letter via an attorney
And here's how I used it to learn
I’m not sure if I’ve talked about this here yet, but I’ve been no contact with my mom for most of my adult life. I do have a podcast episode that covers this that you can tune into: MY HARDEST BREAKUP. This wasn’t a decision made lightly nor one made without many attempts at having a relationship with her. But it’s one that I’m usually (I do have moments of guilt pop up from time to time) at peace with and am confident that it has been the right decision for me.
You can see below how nearly polar opposite peace and grief are on the emotional vibration chart illustration below. This is directly from I’m My Favorite: A Guided Journal for Your Path Forward. (You can purchase through this link at Amazon or directly through my WEBSITE.) I believe acknowledging and understanding our emotions in situations is an important component on our paths to self-discovery and self-love.
Recently, I received a letter in the mail from an attorney, on behalf of my mother. You might imagine the many thoughts that crossed my mind while holding this envelope in my hands before opening it — A letter from an attorney? Who is this from? What do they want? What could this possibly be about? — and then opening it and seeing it’s from my mom that I have had absolutely zero contact with for over 2 years.
The long and short of the letter was that it stated that she has drawn up a new will and requesting that I send back the old version. I’ve never had in my possession, seen, or even been aware of any will. It felt like an attempt to break the no contact.
Let’s break this down. Here’s what happened and how I’ve turned this into a lesson that will help me in the future and I hope it helps you, too!
I came up with this acronym during a Peloton ride and I want to share it with you. The acronym is designed to help make this simple process easy to remember — ROR.
React
Observe
Respond
The first thing I did was react. And I reacted strongly. My heart started racing and my blood began to boil. I was annoyed and frustrated and upset. I thought, “the audacity of this lady spending money on having an attorney send me a letter in the mail!” I grabbed that letter and searched for this attorney’s email address on the paper. I walked (more like stomped) to my computer with the letter in my hand and was about to sit down at my desk and type up an email to send this attorney so that I could explain the history and current situation. (Seems like the rational thing to do, right?! Send a stranger a defensive message explaining personal details of your family situation?! 😂)
I didn’t like my reaction and how I was feeling. I was then able to observe my reaction to the situation. That’s when I stopped and brought myself back into the present. By observing our reactions, it allows us to understand why we’re reacting a certain way. For me, I know that sometimes I have fleeting moments of reacting this way out of guilt for not having a relationship with my mom. In many instances, your reaction may feel appropriate. In this particular case for me, I determined that all of this was unnecessary. So, I moved on to the final component…
I made the choice to shift from having a reaction and decided to respond. What I quickly realized after observing my reaction was that I didn’t need to respond at all. There was absolutely nothing for me to do. I’m not in possession of, have never had, or even seen a copy of a will. I walked (actually walked this time, instead of stomping) from my office back into the kitchen and tossed the letter in the trash. This simple shift from reaction to response contributed to a swift move from that low vibration feeling of guilt to feeling more reason and acceptance. It was a release and a relief!
Tune into last week’s Drinking With Gin episode where I talk about this. I can’t believe the number of listens already of this episode! I think it might be because of the juicy title. 🤭
There’s an important distinction between a reaction and a response. Your reaction is based on your history or perhaps past trauma. Often we can get stuck in a place of thinking our reactions define who we are. No, they define who we were. And when you have the awareness to observe your reaction, this brings you into mindfulness — the present. Your response is part of who you are now, your current version of who you are today. And both your reactions and responses can evolve over time.
ROR can be used in many different situations. What about something as simple as getting angry or frustrated in traffic. Are you reacting this way because you’re running late? Are you late because you didn’t leave on time or is it something else outside of your control? No matter what the case, you could use ROR in this scenario to observe your reaction, determine if it’s justified and then decide how to want to respond. (P.S. Box breathing also works really well when you get worked up driving! — Box breathing can also be found in I’m My Favorite: A Guided Journal for Your Path Forward.)
Leave a comment on how you could have used ROR recently or might use ROR in the future for yourself. I always love hearing from you and don’t forget to tap that ❤️ button, subscribe and share with a friend.
Let’s get growing!
XO,
Ginny